Thought Stopping: A Self-Esteem Practice That Works

How to heal self-esteem

​I was in session with a couple this morning, and the topic of self-esteem came up. One of them wondered what would happen if their self-esteem was better, more loving towards themself. Would it make a difference in their relationship?

My answer is an unequivocal yes.

Now, we all know we are "supposed to" love ourselves, and do self-care. But rarely does that extend to how we treat ourselves in our heads.

In the session today, I asked each of them to tell me the recurrent mean things they say to themselves.

I wrote down exactly what I heard: "You're lazy. You're a bad parent. You have no value at work."

They both told me that the strategy is to bully themselves into doing better.

But when I read back their lists, and asked what they would do if someone said those things to their kid, they quickly rose to the defense. "I'd put a stop to it immediately, and kick that person out of my house."

But in our internal house, we let the bully rampage on, thinking it is some kind of "motivation." Masochism, more like!

Like most of us, being mean to myself used to feel normal.

Early in my healing journey, I realized I didn't want to be complicit any longer with the external messages I'd internalized about my goodness as a human.

I didn't want to pile on with the haters. I didn't want to abuse myself from the inside out anymore.

So I decided to stop. But, of course, it is never that easy.

In my case, I did a practice, using a CBT technique called "thought stopping."

Here's exactly what I did to increase my self-esteem, step by step.

First, I noticed was being internally mean.

Second, I set a boundary from my wise adult: "No, I'm not talking to myself like that."

Third, I offered a positive affirmation or redirect. "I am trying to love myself," or simply, "I love you."

I used a physical anchor point, a green jade heart I wore around my neck and never removed. Whenever I noticed negative self-talk, I'd grab the heart, and run through the process.

When I started, I had no idea how long it would take.

If I tell you I did this multiple times a day for 18 months, that might sound long!

But you know what?

After a lifetime of being harsh with myself, it's done.

I almost never say anything mean to myself now.

And if I do, I immediately catch it, and inquire more deeply into what that mean part might be needing.

Over the course of the practice, the negative self-talk lessened, and lessened more.

Truly, this is the practice (out of all the thousands I've done) that changed my entire life so positively.

It took a while, yes, because I'd been practicing the mean voice for 40 years.

Here's what I learned:
Developing a loving relationship with yourself doesn't come from spa days and long baths.

It comes from doing the hard healing work of confronting your inner bully with love and firm boundaries.

You do NOT need to be complicit in abuse, and your wise adult is never mean.

Also, the 'motivation' piece is total crap. It's a lie.

I get way more done when I honor and appreciate myself, and tend to my needs, than when I beat myself up.

By the end of the session, both of my clients had practiced thought stopping by interrupting the negative message. They each had a new positive message they created.

How about you? 

How are you talking to yourself in your head?

Give thought stopping a try right now.

Think of a common mean thing you tell yourself, for the sake of being 'better.'
Interrupt it, set a boundary, and offer a positive message.

Now comment below and tell me what happened.