The Boots, the Shame, and My Self-Esteem

Okay, last time I wrote about thought stopping as a simple practice to increase self-esteem. You stop being so mean to yourself, and voila! Your self-esteem gets a lot better.
​If you missed it, you can read it here.​
Now I want to write about three reasons positive self-esteem matters for a happy relationship.Let me tell you a story. It's a personal one this time, no longer tender, but still hard to write about.
Back in the day, my self-esteem was pretty shit. In my first marriage, the person I was in relationship with was okay 90% of the time, but when triggered, he got mean, really mean.
I had started to explore feeling like a sexual being inside myself, and I bought a pair of Fluevog boots. They were sexy-sleek, wayyy outside of my comfort zone. But I wanted to be the person who could wear those boots, and so I had to wear those boots.
The first time I was set to wear them, my plan was to go to a matinee movie by myself. It was a very rare treat, as the parent of a baby and a toddler. Any personal time was sacred, and I was going to take myself on a date.
He came home in the midst of me getting ready, saw me in the boots. Instead of appreciating, he told me I looked like a slut, and he didn't mean it in a good way.
My heart felt crushed. I still wore the boots. I still went to the movie, but the joy was gone.
Then, my self-esteem wasn't good enough to stand up for myself, to hand him back the shame he directed at me. I didn't know how to set boundaries, how to not absorb someone else's yuck. It hurt, but it was years until I realized how inappropriate that comment and the energy behind it were.
Now, I hold myself in warm positive regard.
No one gets to project their negativity on me, what I wear, or my choices and stay in my life. I deserve better than that, and I am the one who makes sure I get it. The rise in my self-esteem means that I am in cherishing relationships, full stop.
Your self-esteem impacts your relationships in major ways.

1. It sets your baseline for what you'll accept.​
   People with solid self-esteem expect to be treated well, so they naturally hold higher standards for respect, honesty, and effort from a partner. Low self-esteem often makes poor treatment feel familiar or even deserved, which weakens relational health.
2. It reduces reactivity and defensiveness.​
   When you feel secure in your own worth, a partner's criticism, bad mood, or need for space doesn't automatically read as a threat to your identity. (Read more about the crucial relationship principle I call 'Allowability of Feeling' here). You can hear feedback, disagree, or give them room to have their own experience without collapsing into anxiety or lashing out. When you are steady like that, intimacy is possible. It means you can stay more grounded during normal relational conflict and not turn your partner into your enemy.
3. It frees you from needing your partner to complete you.​
   Self-esteem means your sense of value isn't outsourced to someone else's approval. That takes a huge amount of pressure off the relationship, since your partner isn't responsible for managing your emotional state or constantly reassuring you. Two people who each feel whole on their own tend to choose each other from desire rather than desperation or crippling need. It becomes a delight to share life rather than an obligation.

Happy, healthy relationships depend on two people who value themselves, who esteem their own worth, and who have boundaries for what comes in.
If any part of this story sounded familiar, I'd love to talk with you. Book a clarity call and let's figure out what's next for you and your relationship.
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