How I Learned to Fight Better (And You Can Too)

One of the worst things I ever did to another human on purpose was to scrub the toilet with their toothbrush, then put it back in the toothbrush holder.
The recipient of this disgusting treatment was my then-husband.
What's worse is that he had a whole thing about toilet germs, which I knew about.
We were in a fight, and I was furious.
At the moment, it felt like the perfect retaliation.
I'm sure it does not surprise you in the least that relationship eventually ended.
We had so few tools to communicate with love, so we took out our pain on each other.
I'm embarrassed when I reflect on that less-than-shining example of how I handled conflict.
That was where I was then, but I wish I had had better skills to communicate my feelings and needs.
What happens to you when you get into a conflict with a friend or partner?
Do you ever do or say things you later regret?
If you are like many people, your body has a response.
You may go on autopilot and then later, like me with the toothbrush, wonder what caused you to behave that way.
When I met my current partner, I was determined to learn how to use conflict to fuel connection instead of break it.
I wanted this relationship to last, so I better learn how to fight better.
So I went to school for conflict resolution.
I read everything I could find about conflict theory.
I took classes like NVC to learn how to communicate my needs.
I studied somatics to understand the body's fight-and-flight responses and how to work with them.
And sure enough, I got better at conflict.
You probably already know that conflict can be painful, but did you know that it is also a force that can be generative?
It helps you out by pointing out what needs to be addressed.
Sometimes you conflict over something straightforward.
You forgot to pick up an important package you agreed to pick up, and your partner is pissed.
But I've learned in my study of conflict that most of it happens below the surface.
What we think we are fighting about is rarely what we're fighting about.
For example, suppose I fight with my partner about whose turn it is to do the dishes.
What we are really fighting about could be unmet needs for fairness, reciprocity, equality, etc.
Or it could be about something else entirely!
Old unresolved past issues, resentments, longings, or even a desire for connection.
All this stuff is under the surface, and we're fighting about the dishes. I bet that's happened to you.
When I get into conflict now, it happens in slow motion.
We move and speak at turtle speed.
I don't want to say or do something I regret later and have to apologize for.
So I go slow.
Probably less than half the crap that comes through my brain comes out of my mouth, which is a good thing because oooh-weee.
The impulse to retaliate has significantly lessened as I've learned to tell my partner what I feel and need.
Their toothbrush is safe with me!
I feel proud of how my partner and I show up in conflict.
There is respect between us.
Do we still get triggered?
Uh-yup!
Sure do, because human!
However, embodied practices have saved my butt countless times.
Instead of reacting out of my fight impulse, I take a pause.
I take a break.
I breathe.
All of this, hard as it is in the moment, saves me countless hours in therapy processing my fuck-ups.
Attending to my body during conflict is a gift I've learned to give myself.
Yes, good conflict skills are 100% learnable.
You don't have to be at the mercy of your conflict patterns for the rest of your life.
You can train to fight with respect and care.
Professional fighters train to build skill and grace.
Conflict skills are learnable, and I teach them, and you can learn them.