Allowability of Feeling

How to let your partner feel what they feel

Lak is in my office giving feedback to his partner, Noran. 

"I'm really mad at you. When we went to my parents house last week, you were just on your phone and didn't engage at all. I had to explain to my folks that you weren't upset with them." 

Noran fires back, "Well, you are always annoyed with me for something, so nothing new here." 

Instead of listening and receiving the feedback, Noran got defensive and deflected responsibility. Lan gave him a chance to be awesome,  and he blew it. 

So what would awesome look like in this case? 

Noran allowing Lak to be angry. 

It might sound like, "I hear you are mad at me." 

In my work with couples, I am frequently teaching them to allow the other to feel what they feel. "Allowability of Feeling" is the name of the skill. 

It's an important relational concept; just allowing someone to feel what they feel.

This may seem obvious, but notice what happens the next time someone (friend, partner, co-worker) brings you a feeling they are having, about you!

When someone tells you that they are frustrated with your behavior, how do you handle it? Do you make them wrong for feeling the way they feel, even if it's only in your head?

In working with hundreds of couples, I noticed how hard it is to let each other feel what we feel about the other.

We wish that the person did not feel the way they feel: frustrated, angry, disappointed, betrayed.

We immediately jump to justify our own behavior, or defend our intentions.

Ironically, the quickest way for feelings to move through is for them to receive acknowledgment.

Next time your partner or friend comes to you to let you know how pissed off they are at you for doing XYZ, instead of reacting, try this.

Look at them, take a breath, and say, "You are pissed off at me for doing XYZ," and then notice what happens.

You have just allowed them to feel the way they are feeling.

This is a pattern interrupt for most of us.

Instead of getting pushback when we share our feeling, we get met with validation and acknowledgment. It's a game-changer. It is so healing when someone gives us permission to feel what we feel, without trying to manage, control, shame, or change it!

You can curate an open-heartedness when you are listening. You are just trying to receive the other person and all their complexity. You are trying not to take whatever they're sharing personally. You are not thinking about how you will respond. You are taking in what they are saying, so that you can reflect and summarize what you hear them saying.

You don't have to expect your brain to get it all.

Somebody shares something that's important to them. You reply with, "Okay, cool. This is what I hear you saying. Am I getting it? What am I missing?"

In asking that question, you are allowing the person to feel exactly what they are feeling without challenge.

You are also getting the chance to understand more, and to allow your own empathy to come online.

Allowability of Feeling goes for you too.

Allowing yourself to feel what you feel is a counter-intuitive, yet deeply effective way to be with impact.
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You are telling yourself, "I feel this way right now," and you trust that that will not always be true.

That these feelings will shift and change. Your first reaction is not your final answer.

Because feelings aren't facts.

They are just an experience in the body, one you can learn to make space for, and be with in both loving and curious ways.

You don't need to justify how you feel, and neither does your partner. You also don't have to agree with them. 

Feelings point to what needs your attention.

Allowing yourself and others to simply feel feelings, without fixing, taking on, or pushing back, is a radical act of relationality.